It is interesting that I am posting this on Mother's day weekend.  A weekend that should be a very sad time for me, I suppose.  But I am doing well, and I want to share that with all my friends.  I want to thank all of you who have been following my grief journey.  I know I have not written in a VERY long time, and I wanted to rectify that.  So today, I am posting. 

I am finding that I am having less time, and need to post, as I have began to incorporate the experience, and grief into who I am.  It has become less a horrible interlude, and more of a growth experience.  But I guess that is what God wants for us when we are allowed to experience such tragedy. 

I am hoping to continue to post on this journal, athough the look and feel may evolve a bit to suit my changing theme.  I may continue to address struggles with grief and infertility since it is a part of who I am, but I hope to start posting more about the fun adventures in my life. 

One new hobby I was introduced to in the past few months is geocaching, and boy am I addicted.   I have always loved to hunt for easter eggs and solve puzzles, and now I can do that every weekend.   I look forward to sharing my journey's with geocaching here as well.

One year has passed since our little Elijah was born, and nearly a year has passed since we lost him.  Sometimes it seems like only yesterday that I held him in my arms and sometimes it seems like an eternity since that short week I had him with me.  Now I live each day looking toward heaven and eternity with him. 

I struggle to find words to express the feelings I have.  I am not bitter, nor am I angry.  It is hard to be bitter and angry with no one to direct it at.   I am sad, and I do miss my Eli, but I know I will see him again.  It is hope that fills my heart each day, a bittersweet hope. 

Thank you to all of you who have been thinking of me during this difficult time.  I do feel surrounded in prayer and God's love.

I wish I would have more to write.  It seems that I have been having a writers block.  I want to write, and I want to share, but I either get too busy, or  I get on here,  and nothing I write seems to be worth even the effort of typing. 

Life has been moving on, and although we still grieve, especially coming up on the one year anniversery of Eli's Birth and death, we have been growing through this.  Our Marriage is as strong as ever, even though we still are grieving differently.  We spend a lot of time together, and have been getting out and spending time with friends more.  It has felt good. 

We will never be the same  people we were before we lost Eli, but we still have our Faith in God and his love. 

There is an amazing song that is played on the radio almost daily that describes perfectly the way we have felt the past several months.  The song is called "Held" sung by Natalie Grant.  I think it was written by Christa Wells
That song has been so helpful for me in working through my grief.  There was never any promise of protection from suffering -- in fact the promise in the Bible from Jesus is you WILL suffer in this life, BUT Jesus overcame this life, and gives us the hope of eternity.

Honest I am trying to keep up with this.  Sometimes it gets lost in the list of things to do.  I guess it is a good sign that in the grief process I am moving forward.  I can sit and remember Eli with fondness and not get caught off guard by grief.  Not to say that I don't have my moments but they are coming fewer and further between. 

Through my journey I have become painfully aware of that death happens daily, and is not isolated to other people out there.  Death is a part of living here on earth.  We has humans were not originally designed to die but live eternally in union with God.  It was sin that brought death to earth.  Death happens, and God did not promise that we would have long lives before we would die, he just stated that because we sinned we would die.  Depressing isn't it, yet I HAVE HOPE.  I have hope because I believe that God's original plan of eternal life is still available.  I have it in Christ.  I know that through my faith and relationship with Christ, I will see my son again!!  Now I know there are those of you out there in the blogosphere who do not share my belief, but I urge you to research.  Put God to the test, ask Him, and seek Him out.  He is out there.

Spring is here and the flowers are blooming and the animals are showing up in force.  Below are a few pictures we have taken in our yard of the flowers, and animals that have shown up.

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These ducks Showed up in our front yard and nested in our hastas, unfortunately the nest was abandoned before the eggs hatched.
This is Columbine that bloomed in our garden this spring.
This purple flower also bloomed in our front garden.  Not sure what variety it is.

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It has been nice to see the new birth of spring. It has reminded me of the eternal hope that I carry in my heart.  I hope everyone enjoys the pictures.

For just a moment in time, I felt the bond of motherhood.  For nine months a child developed inside my womb, and I gave birth.  Then for seven short days I held him in my arms and learned the lesson of selfless love. 

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Trying to balance time with my husband and growing my marriage, and time writing has been a difficult one.  I have been failing miserably at the writing part, but I guess if one would have to suffer I would prefer to see the writing time suffer.  I do miss writing, and tonight I find myself unable to sleep and able to spend a few moments writing. 

Part of the reason for not sleeping is I am nervous.  I am heading off to Las Vegas next week, for work.  I will be going without DH and it is the first time we will be apart since Elijah's death.  I have never had issues being apart before but with this being the first time since Eli left us, it has been hitting me hard.  It is just a small part of me that is scared to leave.  I am afraid I will fall apart without him.  I know I won't, and I do have a cell phone even if I do.  It is just one of those milestones that you have to get through.  It also does not help that Mother's day is fast approaching and I am dreading that day.  It is for me a day of grief.  A day of remembering that I am a mom, but a mom to a child who is now in Jesus' arms.  I have 2 pictures that I keep close to my heart as I move toward Mother's Day without Elijah.

	This picture always reminds that Elijah is OK and he is in Heaven with Jesus
	This pictures reminds me that Elijah felt and gave love even in his short life of 7 days.

I am still amazed at how much that little life has touched mine.  In just nine months, the little seed was planted and grew.  In just nine months of life in utero he stole my heart, and seven days in my arms assured that a piece of my heart went to heaven with him. 

A baby can touch so many lives.  I see each day how much Eli has touched me and those around me.  Even those people who never got to see Elijah, get to see his love for me, and my love for him.  I will never forget my little Elijah.

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Now, I have to apologize if I do not write on a regular basis.  I will be in Las Vegas next week, but in the following weeks I hope to get a regular schedule of writing down.  I would like to write a minimum of one time a week, more if I have more to say. 

 

Life has been going by so quickly that I have not had a chance to sit down and write.  I also have not felt like I had anything to write about.  Everytime I sit down at the PC to write, I find my mind  a blank.  No words come.  This is hard for me because normally words are my way of grieving, of exploring what I am feeling, and they have not been coming.  Not even poetry has been flowing from my pen. 

It could be due to the fact that I am slowly encorporating the grief into my day to day life, and it does not jar me as much so I do not feel the need to write about it.  I do not know. 

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Spring has sprung here, it was so warm and beautiful today.  I spent my lunch hour in my car with the windows down and the sunroof open.  I always love the first days of spring.  They inspire hope and joy.  Tomorrow it is supposed to be even warmer.  I cannot wait to feel the warmth on my face and enjoy the spring sun. 

Spring air carries on it the hope of new life.
Leaves budding, birds chirping, and babies laughing
My heart is strengthened by the sunshine
Life comes again after a winter of dispair.

"Go down to the potter's house and there I will give you my message." - Jeremiah 18:2

We had a potter come in to grief support group a couple weeks ago and it was an amazing experience.  They had the potter making a pot on stage as the narrator went through the process and related it to our relationship with God. 

When Jeremiah went down to the potter's house God did not speak but while watching the potter work Jeremiah was shown how God is like the potter.

When a potter would get the clay in ancient times they would go out to the clay pits and climb in and go to the bottom, because that is where the best clay was.  He would climb down and pull the clay out of the pit, just as God pulls us out of the pit. 

Then before puting the clay on the wheel the potter would wedge the clay.  Watching this process was eye opening.  The clay is folded and pressed to get out the air pockets and lumps.  This was a tough process.  The potter was puting all her strength into pressing out the lumps and air pockets.   God works us, and it can hurt.  There will be pressure, but it is in the beginning of the process that God works in us to make us strong in Him.

Once the clay is put on the wheel it is centered.  Another amazing thing to watch.  As the potter centered the clay it fought her.  She had to keep pressing it and moving it on the wheel until it was in the center of the wheel.  When it was not in the center the clay fought her it wobbled and shook until it was in just the right place on the wheel to be molded and shaped.  I was reminded that I must be centered in Christ before I can be shaped.

The clay is then pierced to create a heart.  It starts with a small heart, but through work it gets bigger, just as God is growing my heart.  I must be pirced to grow my heart.  I must be opened up to God to become an open vessel and be used by Him.

The potter builds up the walls.  This is amazing to watch.  She puts her hands in the heart and works the walls.  She had to be gentle to work the walls up so that they would not collapse.  Just as the potter builds the walls up through work and edification, I am also built up and my heart is made bigger and I become a useful vessel in God's Hands as he continues to work out the flaws.

Finally the pot is fired in the kiln.  Before the pot is fired it is weak and can collapse.  In the fire it is purified and becomes solid rock.  In life we are put through the fire and purified to become strong in Christ. 

I could never tire of watching the potter work.  If you ever get a chance to watch one work, I challenge you to do it.  It is an amazing process.  Hats off to all potters.  The message God has given us through your art is clear.  Thank you.

Believe me.  I want to write.  I want to have something provide some profound enlightened statement, but I just cannot.  Somedays the words do not flow.  I am not sad, or mad or angry.  Just not inspired to write at this point.  Well, good night.  I am tired and I will try to write something later this week.  Maybe I will be inspired -- maybe not.  I want to hope I will.